The Indian Movie Patron

Over the many hours of my life, wasted or well-spent at different movie theatres across India watching Hindi movies, I (and surely most of the people who also have been there) have noticed not only the action taking place on the screen but also off of it - the patrons, who are entertainers by their own right. This is my humble attempt to categorise some of the interesting types of the Indian Movie-theatre-patron. So here goes:

The snob: He thinks that no one else besides him has got the meaning of the movie. This kind is usually found in urban Indian theatres and can be visually recognised by their noses which are turned up all the time at the rest of the world.

The reviewer: He analyses the story, script, camera angles etc to death. He will announce his reviews loudly after (thankfully) the movie for the enlightenment of the masses, who according to him, are just plain lucky to be hearing his profound thoughts.

The virtual sidekick: He thinks he is part of the movie and tries to help the hero in action scenes by throwing stones (or other objects) at the villain on the screen. Usually found in remote rural Indian theatres. And that is why, boys and girls, you should never sit in the front rows in rural theatres.

The smart-aleck: He feels it is his sacred duty to "entertain" the public by making "funny" comments evey now and then. He usually starts off by mouthing remarks at lower decibel levels just for the benefit of his 2-3 friends. A few encouraging laughs from his buddies and he feels the need to share his jokes with the entire theatre. This kind is ubiquitous and has been known to plague every kind of theatre, be it rural, urban, swanky or cheap.

The dancers: Their single-minded goal in life is to extract full value for their money spent at the theatre. They will break into impromptu dances during songs (yes, most Hindi movies have songs) blissfully oblivious and unmindful of the fact that they are not transparent and are blocking other people's vision. These kind are usually teenaged or in their early twenties and are always found in groups. They seem to enjoy themselves no matter how crappy the movie is.

The opportunist: He comes to a movie with a partner only because its dark and there is no other place for him which offers as much privacy as the 2 corner seats in the last row. Usually he has his own movie going on in which he is the lead actor. Has been known to evoke interest from other patrons if the movie (the one on the screen) is crappy.

The team-person: He thinks that everyone should enjoy it as much as he does and he wants to make sure you are, by asking you "Did you see that?" every now and then. Or repeating the last line of the last dialogue just to make sure you got it.

The bully: He is bound by the code for bullies to keep his foot on the headrest of the person in front and to pick a fight with that person if he objects. Can liven up a bad movie if the person he picks the fight with is an even match.

The gang: Usually boys in their late teens full of testosterone. Members of this category could also fall in the 'dancer' group mentioned above. Patrons get full value for their money if someone from the 'bully' category messes with someone from this group.

The family with the crying-baby: They have to bring a 1 year old baby to the theatre so that he can appreciate the finer nuances of cinema early in life. Usually, the would-be-child-prodigy expresses his opinions about the movie by wailing loudly. This category is usually the inspiration for some of the 'smart-aleck' comments.

The cell-phone talker: Relatively new category since cell phones were invented not so long ago. Their calls are important and they have to make sure that others in the theatre get the same message.

Before I stop this post (because I have bored myself), I must confess that I have been a part of the 'smart-aleck', 'dancer' and 'gang' category at different times in my teens. Let me say in my defense that I danced only because I was not very sober and none of my friends were sober and the movie was really really bad. Unfortunately, the movie went on to become the biggest blockbuster of that year. That should tell you the taste of the average Hindi movie watcher. Do I sound like a snob?